Loneliness and Solitude

I go outside at night to reconnect with myself, the stars, the earth. To remember. To feel, dance, dream, listen. To be full of awe, and wonder and reverence. To learn. To be. I practice my intuition and allow myself the freedom to do whatever I want out there. Even with sirens, sometimes gunshots, screeching tires, loud arguing. It’s all the stuff of life and I know the embodiment of peace exists out there too. Our peace is the resistance and the medicine to these things so I belong out there as I am, whatever is going on. A lot of times I’ll sit with trees and feel at peace and sometimes they give me gifts which is an expression for a different time. I cry out there, and laugh and sing. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day and part of that has to do with solitude.

I feel a relief when I’m alone. I feel creative, unmasked, unjudged. And at the same time I love people dearly to the depths of their soul. Even people who cannot love me, I love them from afar because I just can’t help it, everyone is so lovable and stop the flow - for what?

Tonight when I went out there in the magic of it all there was a point where I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had a hug from a human. I really had to think about it and I let myself cry and feel sad about that. Then I went and hugged a tree and felt the love and support of mother earth warm me. I knew exactly which tree I wanted a hug from and I laughed at myself wondering if the other trees can get jealous. Then I realized even though I do hug trees during the day, I mostly hug them at night. Maybe its because I don’t have to explain myself if no one is around - the protection of solitude. But then, I used to hug trees openly as a child and I had favorites then too. So what if I hugged trees during the day now and raised love for mother earth by simply showing it unapologetically? I think I will! It definitely soothed me to hug a very special and loving tree and I was grateful. Still tears were flowing. Still the ache was prominent, because we need each other. We are meant to be together freely in kindness and love - touch is part of that.

I took a hot shower and spoke to myself with love and put my hands on my heart. Breathing through this. Thanking myself for feeling safe enough to be honest with me. I turned it into a bath, washed water over my face, hummed, still crying but feeling a little better. Then sat there knowing that other people feel like this too. And I want to write about it with a cup of tea made from friend gifts, looseleaf from Rachael, cinnamon stick and cloves from Amir. So I cuddled up in some comfy clothes and a blanket.

I remembered the last person I hugged was actually Monday night. It’s Saturday night. It’s not that I don’t see people. It’s just that hugs are made to be inappropriate in US culture.

I’m a music teacher in a music store. And I thought, ya know why is it that I can’t hug my buddy who I laugh with and work with, we share life stories, we cry we support one another, why can’t I hug my students who I care for. Why do people take it ‘there’, like it’s a normal part of being human that we hug one another and show love. I remember receiving hugs from my teachers growing up and as an adult and I tear up thinking about it because it meant a lot to me. A teacher is there guiding you on what you don’t yet know, watching you struggle, showing compassion for you, holding you accountable, celebrating with you, supporting you. And when my favorite teachers hugged me, I felt so loved, because we shared a bond, a human bond that is beautiful. Now as a teacher, with all the weirdness and all the rules, I can’t hug my students though I love them dearly. Now these boundaries are accepted for protection, I understand that. And I always ask, are you a hugging kind of person, right, I don’t just ignore peoples experience of safety. But it seems like hugs are viewed almost dangerous like, weed is not gateway to heroin, milk is not a gateway to liquor, hugs are a not a gateway to explicit behavior. I think it’s ugly and disconnected. A sacred heart space near another sacred heart space, an expression of safety and warmth and acceptance. This is a beautiful thing. Sometimes my students will just hug me, mostly my younger ones, because they are still connected to what is natural. And I always pray it is around parents because I don’t want it to be misconstrued, and then I remember there are cameras so at least the interaction was documented, so I’m somewhat protected because they initiated it, but maybe it could still be used against me because I didn’t just stand there or discourage it and hugged them back, I appreciate the expression and I don’t want the student to feel rejected, but it makes me worry even though it shouldn’t and it’s just a mess. On the outside it just looks like a regular moment, and the parents are warm about the interaction and also know about the rules, so we share that glance of knowing. This is what teachers deal with internally. All this mess over a simple expression of love. And then, because kids are intuitive and sensitive you know they feel this and notice this energy. What is that doing to their understanding of life and human connection?

Hugs are sexualized alot of the time too, even if they aren’t meant that way. And then for me as someone with a female body it adds to the loneliness, because being objectified is lonely and also strips you of humaness. Often times I make friends only to realize they just want to be with me physically or romantically. This adds to being alone because when it happens enough you feel like you are just something to be consumed or to fit someone else’s narrative. I’m talking about just regular ass we’re having a human experience, it’s beautiful, here’s a hug. It’s not happening enough and it’s dangerous.

I know it’s dangerous because I think about how loneliness drives or has driven my own toxic behavior. Eating more or unhealthy to feel better, getting into the wrong relationship, unaligned friend choices, avoidance, excessive time on electronic devices, the illusion of togetherness of social media, engaging in unsafe behavior just to feel part of a group, dimming my light and my knowing, basically putting on a mask to avoid loneliness, turning to substances, working out for hours and hours, staying extremely busy. These are my personal experiences these illusions have caused me even more suffering than the loneliness itself I was trying to avoid. On a societal level, a lot of people benefit from our loneliness. People are easier to control when they are weakened because we are stronger together without giving our power away to outside forces. But loneliness hurts, and we end up doing things to fill the void until we feel better or know better.

I know people profit off my loneliness in money, comfort, or power. The companies I paid for substances, the ones I paid to save me from overdosing on them, other peoples comfort with the version of me they can accept, everyone who benefits from mining my attention online, those who saw my loneliness and need to fit in and took advantage to the utmost degree, putting up with abuse or toxic behavior just to avoid loneliness, easier to manipulate because of un-dealt with un recognized loneliness benefitting people who want control and the list goes on. Sure, there are other factors that goes into this behavior, but I think loneliness is one of the BIG underlying reasons. Now I’m moving through life more consciously, I’m sober, choosy, hugging trees and most people I love, but I still get lonely at times like this one. I know other people are dealing with what they can’t name too and it’s leading their decision making subconsciously. I’m grateful to be at the point where I can atleast name what is happening and sit with it. I wonder how to bring more actual togetherness into the world. I started a peace circle, it’s going alright. People rsvp but don’t make it, 2 men who just wanted to have sex with me attended once and once a woman attended and it was great, but haven’t heard from her since. It’s okay. I laugh. At least I am trying!

Having standards to protect your peace will also leave you lonely. I detach from people who treat me or themselves badly at this point in my life. It sounds like an obvious choice, but it took me a long time to learn. If the people around you don’t love themselves, they will treat you poorly by default and you can speak up about it and see if things change but you’re not here to fix people to make them good to you. I have a big heart and I wanted to heal them a lot of times or would just put up with their behavior for fear of being fully alone. So as your self respect grows, your social circle diminishes. Fear of loneliness goes away when you face it, and it stops making any decisions for you. Once you really connect with yourself and love yourself, a lot of people will feel threatened by you getting better and take it out on you that they aren’t putting the work in. It also becomes more and more uncomfortable to tolerate negativity when you’re really just trying your best, so it’s only natural to move towards peace and happiness and let people go. Sometimes it’s painful to let people go, but way less than keeping toxicity in your life.

I think its liberating to express about this because there is too much shame around being lonely. It’s obvious that it’s on purpose that we are divided, because when we struggle we uphold systems of control and abuse. So then why should we shame ourselves for an ugly elaborate plan having an affect on us by coming up with reasons we deserve it, and feeling bad about it even more. It’s a cycle, it’s a system. And we have the power to heal it when we come together as a community in big and small ways. I think it’s important to admit the painful things we experience because then our power returns to us. I know I’m never alone in my experiences. I know I have the power to create my reality.

As a solitude lover I think the difference between loneliness and solitude is the difference between looking outside of yourself with want, and looking inward with gratitude and curiosity. I was in pain because I was looking outside of myself and experiencing the feeling of not having what I need. When I look inside truly, I have all that I need. Knowing I love solitude I also have to be careful about the other side of the coin. I can get lost in enjoying creativity and my work and the moment so I do need to plan more time specifically with friends so I don’t end up going a week without a hug! That is wild! I’m seeing a friend later today, thankful. And from now on, going to prioritize that even more.

I made an expression called “Alone / All One”. I look forward to recording it with higher quality and also playing it live in compatible venues.

Big love to everyone! My solitude lovers and my lonely people! I love you, I am here for you. You are me, I am you. If you want to connect on how to deal with symptoms of loneliness through creativity, introspective tools and lifestyle habits - I am here for you in understanding and encouragement.

your friend,

Sarah Joy